WOW – it’s been a month since the last post. So much for that New Years’ resolution.

In the past month, Joel and I have been struggling with some big issues. It’s pretty much consumed us and now we have a going forward plan that didn’t come without tears. After two years of fertility treatments and multiple miscarriages, I’ve been a little down and unhappy. I mean really, who wouldn’t? That door is now officially closed and I must say, I’m glad. Now we can move on with our plans for adoption. That hasn’t been without it’s hiccups too, though. For some reason, my fingers refused to be fingerprinted. I’ve been rejected twice now, at the cost of 10 weeks additional waiting time. No matter how much lotion I slather on, it doesn’t help. I go in again this Friday and I’m sure I’ll be rejected again. Until this whole finger printing problem is taken care of, we can’t start the matching process with the Foster system.

So, that has been one of our issues. The second issue is what to do about daycare. Malina has been great. In fact, we’ve thoroughly enjoyed our au pairs and loved the cultural exchange. The boys are developing and learning, and are well on their way to becoming master manipulators. They are perfect for Malina, good for Joel when he’s on his own with them, but if I enter the picture, the tantrums begin. They are not so bad and I’m learning how to nip them in the bud, shift tactics, and just plain let them throw them until they are ready to talk. It doesn’t help that they boys have pretty much had a string of colds since school started back up in January. It’s when Nicholas wakes up at 6am in the morning crying that he doesn’t want it to be a work day, clinging to me and telling me that he’ll put on his socks and shoes and come with me to work that just about destroys me. Two weeks ago, after endless discussions and scenario planning, Joel and I decided that I would stay home, quit working in June and we would not get another au pair. The next day, I was offered a new job at Boeing and my dad had a stroke. (My dad is ok – although his vision suffered and he may not get to drive again and his memory was hit – which totally sucks, but he can function.) I felt like I had been run over. Thank God it was a Friday when this all went down, which gave Joel and I the weekend to figure out what to do. You see, I had been in my current job 7 years, through 4 different managers, 4 different directors, and I was just plain tired of breaking in a new boss again, and I’ve been getting pressure to go back to full time. So, stale job, manipulating children, and a dream dashed. That’s a lot to deal with. Needless to say, being offered a new job started to excite me. But I wanted more time with the boys. Really, I think I wanted more quality time with the boys when they weren’t pushing my buttons. Yes, I realize that is too much to ask for. Anyway, when Monday rolled around, I had accepted a new job (still in Finance and I start on March 23rd). Now, what to do with the boys. We had looked at a Montessori school but it was so sterile and quiet. We do not want to put the boys in daycare. We like au pairs and the amazing love they provide. Another decision made. Stick with an au pair and now rush to get an application in because Malina leaves us in June. To any future au pairs, we are really a great family and the boys won’t give you any grief. They save that for me.

I am totally rambling. Sorry. This story is just way to confusing to tell it in a coherent manner. Needless to say, we are still wondering if the co-op is the best place for Nic and Dex next year, or if we will find a regular preschool in which to enroll them in. (Dexter is back in occupational therapy. He just checks out when you are talking to him and doesn’t clue into the fact that he needs to show that he is hearing you.) I’d like to check out the preschool at Prince of Peace Lutheran Church (we’ve heard good things), but religion and Joel just don’t mingle well.

Now that some of these decisions are made, Joel and I need to figure out how to not feel guilty for leaving the kids and working, especially those mornings when they beg to come with us. Stuff like this is totally hard. No one really prepares you for these choices. So, I’ve started to think about our summer and how we can maximize our fun and have true quality time with each other. Joel and I agree on one thing, it’s time to shove our to do list into a closet. There are some things we really don’t need to stress about or fix right now.

OK – now my questions to you. What would you do? How do you handle going to work and leaving the kids at home, or how do you handle staying at home and not going to work? I still wonder if I’m making the right decision. And before you say it – I do not know what is the right decision for me. I just love my little miracles and want them to know it. And, I don’t want to go crazy.