Before the boys were born I dreaded the diaper changes.  People told me horror stories of golden fountains, flung feces, toxic odors.  I call them “people” because the label “friends” no longer applied after they shared their stories.  Very mean people.  I was terrified – living in fear of the Meconium or planning on buying a poncho.

I was wrong.  By and large, while unpleasant, diaper changes aren’t too scary.  They’re smelly, disgusting, frequent, but blessedly brief.  And when it’s done, it’s done.  And afterward, I’ve occasionally caught myself debating whether I really need to go wash my hands afterward (don’t worry, I do – I just have to remind myself).

Usually it’s the feeds that get me.  They take so long, and have been such a struggle, that I came to dread them.  But the feeds have been becoming easier – shorter, less frequent, and less of a struggle.  The diaper changes have moved in the opposite direction.  More frequent, more smelly, and more of a struggle.  The boys toss and turn, try and roll or sit up, grab at their manly parts, arch their backs, or just laugh at you.

Two days ago I was trying to change a Nicholas diaper – a smelly, semi-solid one.  He started off calmly, but suddenly went ballistic, started trying to roll while simultaneously kicking his feet and grabbing with his hands at the poop-covered manly parts.  I called urgently for Katie’s help, and she came out to hold his legs.  I kept trying to clean him, but he just WOULDN’T STOP.  He kept squirming and twisting, and Katie kept holding the legs apart, and I kept focusing on getting the diaper on him.

When it was over, only then did I really notice that he’d ended the diaper change in a hand stand – Katie was holding him up by his feet, he was pushing on the changing table with his hands, laughing, completely upside down.  But his diaper was on, the feces were contained, and I think we have to count it as a success.  Seriously, why hasn’t anyone invented a child-immobilizer for diaper changes?  Something like those fold-down bars on roller coaster rides?  Untapped market…

Then I washed my hands.  No need to remind myself that time.